So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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