Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
