glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
ttyl tear gas
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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