Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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