My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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