My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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