I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
When are your genitals available?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
