I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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