Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
