it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
