I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
