I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
