Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
