Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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