Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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