end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
