if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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