Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
