3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
