Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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