I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
