My friends, they love my intelligence
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
