i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
