I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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