dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
how do you play pong handcuffed?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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