So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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