i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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