Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
