There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Everclear isn't food dammit
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
