I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
