what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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