remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
