Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
