3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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