I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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