Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
