I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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