mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
