she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
