Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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