I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
