Screwed.edu
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
