Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
