There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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