I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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