apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
and she was petting her beer can
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
