i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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