Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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