My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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