I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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