I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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