Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
