she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
