Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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