Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Randomize
