I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
