Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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