I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
