Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
