U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
