she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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