I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
