i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
