I look better un-naked...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
